Why geography matters in our personal relationships

A true letter-style newsletter 🧐

I recently learned about a fascinating social phenomenon called the “propinquity effect”. Social psychologists have studied it for years, and it basically means that we’re much more likely to form close relationships with the people we encounter frequently and in close proximity. Basically, the more we see and interact with someone, the more familiar and comfortable they become, and the more likely we are to trust and like them. It’s all about those repeated, positive in-person moments-what researchers call the “mere exposure effect.”

There’s some fascinating research behind this. For example, some classic studies at MIT found that students who lived closer together in the dorms were far more likely to become friends, even if they were very different in other ways. More recent studies have tried to see if this effect carries over to our digital lives. While staying in touch online is helpful, it just doesn’t match the richness of being together in person. When we’re physically present, we pick up on nonverbal cues, have spontaneous conversations, and share little experiences that simply can’t be replicated over a screen. To me, this explains why the Covid lockdowns were so damaging to our personal lives.

I’ve been reflecting on how the “propinquity effect” really shows up in my own life, especially when it comes to church. You know me-I’m definitely more of an introvert than an extrovert. If I’m honest, when I have the choice between staying home or going out to a social event, I almost always lean toward staying in. It’s just more comfortable for me.

But at the same time, my faith is incredibly important to me. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I feel a real desire to live what I believe, and that means making the effort to be active in my church community. Our church is organized in a unique way: where you live determines which congregation you belong to, kind of like how public schools are set up by district. So, I’m assigned to worship and serve with the people who live right around me.

What’s interesting is that this structure gives me the chance to interact regularly and in person with other church members in my area-something I probably wouldn’t do as much if I just followed my natural introverted instincts. It’s a gentle push out of my comfort zone, and I can see how these repeated, face-to-face interactions have helped me build relationships and feel a greater sense of belonging.

I’ve really come to appreciate just how important it is to meet together in person when it comes to building a true sense of community and spiritual connection. There’s something special that happens when we gather-it’s not just about the words we say, but also about the smiles we share, the handshakes, and that unique, almost indescribable feeling of simply being together. Those regular, face-to-face moments do so much to help us build trust, empathy, and a genuine sense of belonging.

I’ve noticed in my own life that the times I’ve felt most out of place or disconnected have often been when I’ve spent too much time on my own. But I also recognize that just being around people isn’t always enough. It’s possible to see the same faces over and over and still feel alone, especially if the interactions are negative or unkind. Sadly, people can sometimes be hurtful, and those experiences can actually make us feel even more isolated, breaking any chance for real connection. I don’t think anyone should feel like they have to endure toxic relationships just because being around someone more might eventually make things better.

What I do believe, though, is that the propinquity effect offers us a real opportunity. When we make the effort to have repeated, positive, in-person contact with those around us, it opens the door to more enriching, rewarding, and lasting relationships. It’s not a guarantee, but it’s a promise of possibility-and that’s something I find both comforting and encouraging.

I know I’ve been going on about the importance of in-person contact, but I really can’t emphasize it enough. While virtual gatherings and social media are wonderful for staying in touch, they just don’t compare to being together in the same space. Online, we miss out on all those subtle, nonverbal cues-like body language, the tone of someone’s voice, or even a simple, reassuring touch-that help us build trust and empathy with each other. Digital conversations can sometimes feel a bit awkward or forced, and studies have shown they simply don’t do as much to ease loneliness or bring real happiness as face-to-face interactions do. There’s just something special about those spontaneous, casual chats and the little shared moments that really deepen our bonds with others.

This has been on my mind this morning as I’m getting ready for church, especially after last night’s wedding reception/open house where I had a sort of reunion with my extended church community. It struck me again how much the “propinquity effect” has helped me, even as an introvert, to form connections that are truly meaningful and lasting-connections I know I never would have made on my own. It’s those frequent, heartfelt, in-person moments that have helped me build stronger and more supportive relationships, and I’m so grateful for them.

Sincerely,

Propinquity Me